Tuesday, 24 November 2009

What I Would Keep And Change About Having AS

Unless some magic cure or pill is introduced to alter one's brain structure, and without it precipitating any ill-effects or brain damage, if one is born with Autism or AS, then one will remain Autistic or Asperger. Yes, early diagnosis is essential. Yes, intervention is essential. Yes, support and understanding is essential. Yes, the general public at large need to be educated much more about the two conditions, but nothing at the moment can or will "cure" Autism or Asperger's Syndrome.

Would I want to be cured? Yes and no. There are certain things about having Asperger's Syndrome that I like and there are some aspects of it which I dislike. Frankly, there are one or two attributes which make me hate having AS.

What I would be delighted to lose is be the hypersensitivity to sound, touch and smell. I wish I could filter sensory stimuli out like NT's can. I can't wear wool and I dislike labels on the back of clothes rubbing against my skin. I hate bus engines, pneumatic drills, burglar alarms and car alarms and chatter. The smell of egg literally makes me feel sick, yet such stimuli hardly seem to bother NT's.

I would like to lose the monotropic thinking which comes with AS. I wouldn't miss that at all. I would love to be able to nonchalantly drive a manual car and have a flowing conversation, like NT's effortlessly can. I wish I could write a passage on my website and chat to someone freely whilst doing it. I don't like the mental overload problems, which occur when too much is happening at once, or when there is too much stimuli for my senses to process.

I hate not being able to follow instructions from NT's, or sequencing problems. I would say good riddance to the fine and gross motor problems. I wish I could dance and be a brilliant mover on the dance floor. I wish I could bowl overarm, or throw better than I can. I wish I could dive gracefully if I go swimming. Commonly, it is stated that individuals with Asperger's Syndrome have poor handwriting because of this, but for some reason, it hasn't affected me in that respect. Another area where my co-ordination is unaffected is catching a ball or item. I don't have an unusual gait when walking, as is often stated.

Finally, it would be great to be able to see the back of problems with processing information and with interaction and communication.

Which parts of having AS would I wish to keep? The logical, rational thinking, seeing issues in the objective manner in which I see them, the self of individuality, the special interests and my apparently good memory. I would dislike to lose all those aspects of having AS. It is very rare that I get bored, due to those the special interests, the Internet and my website.

I believe, whether I am here to see it or not, that some time in this century, medical science will discover what causes conditions such as Autism and AS.

Another aspect of having Asperger's I have felt, all my life, before AND after I was diagnosed, is the self of being alone. I always have and I believe I always will. I rarely bother with family bashes anymore, because I don't like the noise. There are too many people around at once.

They have children, careers and mortgages. I don't have any of those things. I am not criticising them. I probably would be doing the same now if I was an NT. If I didn't have AS, whilst one can never know for certain, I think it is fair to say I would have a decent job, be married, have children and a mortgage now.

It is just that we are not on the same wavelength and our life experiences have totally diverged. Even if I was to get married, have an ecstatic home life, and have, say four children, which I doubt will happen, I will still feel alone. Whether any offspring of mine would have Autism, AS or be NT, I would feel alone. If I got a job I loved, I would feel alone. I feel alone even if in good company, with everyone getting on famously, and if there are 10 people there. People may be baffled to understand why I feel alone, or how I feel alone, but I do, every moment of my waking day, whether I am alone or not. You can't help who you are, who your parents are, when you are born, where you are born, what you are and how you feel.

Whoever said that being Autistic was like being trapped behind a glass wall was correct. I also feel that it is the same having Asperger's Syndrome, no matter how it affects you.


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