Sunday, 21 June 2009

How I see myself as being an Actor

To get by in society, I try to be an Actor. This is not because I want to be an NT or have any overwhelming desire to be an actor, but out of survival instincts. Us Aspies are outnumbered in a society that is generally hostile to us and our ways. There are more of them than there are of us, and therefore, some conformity is needed in order to make progress. I don't like it, but there is no alternative.

The only times I have ever been on stage was at the age of four-and-a-half, in Infants School for a Christmas play in 1980 (See my Psychological and Behavioural History), in Junior school when I played one of the Soldiers at the Christmas 1914 Truce when gifts were exchanged and soccer was played between British and German troops, and also at a Christmas 1986 play in Junior school, when I played the Lord Chamberlain in Cinderella.

I have to watch myself every second when interacting. I have to ensure that I make eye contact, show interest in what the speaker is saying even when I am bored stupid, let people finish their sentences when they are rambling, or when I am bored with what they are saying, adopt some NT illogical thinking, continue to make relevant remarks, and keep track of the conversation. However, my pretence does not extend to laughing at jokes or quips which I don't get, or find funny. If something is funny, it's funny. If it isn't, it isn't, regardless of the joke or who has told it.

By behaving in this manner, I find I become acceptable to others, and get by better, but I am also mentally and emotionally drained. I do however, secretly hate myself for being false, and feel that I am "selling out". I ask myself, "Will the real me please stand up?". He does, when he is alone.

Apart from mental overload, thinking single-channelled, finding it difficult to read body language of other people, my hypersensitivity to touch, sound and taste, and feeling "Hemmed in" when in crowds, is why I am a natural loner. When I spend time alone, which I do a lot of the time, it is less mentally overloading, and I can be myself, to myself.


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